The Puzzling thing about Puzzles

I was recently in a workshop where puzzle building was a part of it.  The interesting thing about this exercise was that we were not allowed to speak to each other while putting the puzzle together, yet we had to have agreement regarding who did what.  We had to complete our puzzle before we could help any other group in the room.

My group had the picture up and started diligently working on the puzzle.  Interestingly, people took on roles without anything being said, one team member started with the frame, one started with the “guts” of the puzzle and I stood back and observed.  Some of the puzzle pieces looked weird to me.  Sure enough, they were not a part of our puzzle.  I motioned to my group non-verbally and got their okay to collect them.  Then I went to the other groups around us and started offering the pieces I thought they could use, all the while seeking their consent to give the pieces to them and likewise, take the pieces on the table that they had that looked like they belonged to our puzzle.

Soon everyone was following suit and getting their puzzles done.  It was so interesting to read the body language of everyone in the room.  Some teams welcomed your help others clearly indicated that you were not welcome to assist them.  Eventually we all got our puzzles done, all in somewhat different ways yet, we were all eventually successful.

So who cares, right?  What does building a puzzle have to do with anything?

When you set out to put a puzzle together, what is the first thing you do?  Do you open the box and dump all the pieces out and then sort them according to “edges” vs. the “guts” of the puzzle?  What part of the puzzle do you put together first- do you put the outside together first or do you start to build the picture inside?  And probably, most interestingly – do you or don’t you refer to the picture on the puzzle box before you get started?

What if you look at the puzzle as a metaphor for your life? What?!  Yep, look at how you approach solving a puzzle and parallel that with how you are living your life.   Are you creating boundaries for yourself by putting the edges on first or are you playfully putting together the images within the puzzle to see what transforms?

Do you refer to the box top for direction or do you let a little bit of fate help determine the outcome of the puzzle?

•  Life does not always come with the picture on the box.  Although we have a “plan” in place, sometimes we are shown the wrong picture for our own puzzle.  We can spend years trying to put a puzzle together that just doesn’t belong to us.
• We need others to complete our puzzle because sometimes, we just don’t have all of the puzzle pieces we need to complete the puzzle.  While doing things on our own is fine, we all need assistance sometimes and getting someone else’s puzzle pieces is sometimes necessary.  Likewise, sharing some of our puzzle pieces is sometimes the right thing to do.
• Sometimes leaving a space in the “edges” of our puzzle gives us room to expand and sometimes we don’t need to know every detail within the puzzle to carry on just fine.
• Someone or something will constantly be taking puzzle pieces away from you and likewise, handing you the ones you need when the time is right.

Puzzles are meant to be taken apart and rebuilt.  Sometimes we can go years before we dust off the puzzle box and make another attempt at it.  Is it time to take your puzzle out of the box and see where the pieces are today?  What will be different this time?

Want different? Do different!! Kicking the habit(s) that get in our way.

Know that if you do as you always have, you will get what you have always had.  There is nothing wrong with this, unless you think there is.

What do you want?

How many times do we express frustration in our lives about “something” (you fill in the blank here) that will not change?  It could be something physical that we are not satisfied with, a relationship that is not working, a job we hate, a child who will not listen, not being able to save for that vacation etc. etc.  We complain up and down to anyone who will listen and continue to get more and more frustrated. Doesn’t sound like fun to me.  Nor does it sound productive.  When you truly want to have different, guess what?  You are going to have to “do” different.  This is work, which is why most of us would rather complain then get our butts in gear and do something about it.

Want to play a little here?  How about you look at this as an opportunity to get curious?  What habit(s) do you have that are getting in the way of changing what you have, to what you want?  Keep in mind that not all habits are necessarily “bad” and even if they are deemed “bad” – think smoking, there is still something you are getting out of it – think deep breathing.

Habits, by nature, seem to lock us into a behaviour.  It is so much easier to keep doing what our brain has “programmed” then to try and shift it.  Our brains think in patterns based on previous experience:  “if A happens then I do B” – when something similar happens, our brain looks for something similar in our past and attaches a pattern that has worked before to it.  In other words, our brain can be a little lazy or you could say, it likes to be efficient, why exert extra energy when something has worked in the past?  Habits tend to get results without getting the brain involved.

Here’s a little exercise to get those juices flowing and to maybe replace a habit that is getting in your way with one that may serve you better.

Grab two pieces of paper or a recipe card, whatever, something you can write on.

In the center of the first piece of paper, in block letters, write down one habit that you would like to change.

• Proceed to write as many words that describe the good you get from that habit – yep – you’re getting something out of it. For example – let’s say your habit is “procrastination” (okay, truthfully, it’s my habit!)– What might you be getting out of it?  When I did this exercise here’s some of what I came up with: procrastination provided me with a “time out”; it helped to prevent me from rushing into things; sometimes, if I procrastinated long enough, someone else would do what I was avoiding!

Put the piece of paper aside and take out your new, clean piece of paper.

In the center of this piece of paper, in block letters, write down what you would like to replace this habit with. Yes, instead of focusing on what you are giving up, focus on something else you want instead.

• Now write down this new habit or behaviour and all that it can offer you. To continue with my own personal exercise, I wrote down “focus”.  Here are some of the words that came to mind for me: purpose, results, success, direction.  How cool is this?

The exercise does not end there.  Once you have identified what you want instead, think about – what do I need to do to make this stick?  Who do I know that already exhibits this behaviour or habit that I can emulate? Where can I find support for this change – could be a coach, a friend, some sort of accountability partner.  How can I be patient and compassionate with myself and the change as I move through it?  Know that you may take a couple steps back every now and then.  Awareness and willingness to see the good in what the change is may help to keep you focused on the end result you are looking for.

What’s my point?

• Habits are powerful. Identifying what’s getting in your way is a start; replacing it with something else instead may be useful for refocusing your brain.
• Nothing is going to change unless you change something.
• A partner to support you through the change can be the difference between successfully changing and reverting back to old habits.

So – want different?

Watch your Language!

I remember being a kid and probably being a little sassy from time to time, yes, I know, for those of you who know me, so hard to believe!   What I remember most about this was being told to “watch my language” or more precisely, in the words of my Dad “mind your P’s and Q’s”.  I still laugh when I think of that.  What does that even mean?  I’m guessing that I was crossing some sort of line between what was acceptable to say vs. what was not.

So what does this have to do with you and why am I even bothering to tell you?

Language and the words we choose is fascinating to me.  As I focus more and more of my coaching on change and working with mindset, I can’t help noticing myself eavesdropping on conversations and what words people use when they describe a situation, person or perhaps themselves.

Take the work environment for instance. You may hear someone describe working with another team or individual as a “real battle”.  What could be different if you substituted “real battle” with “real adventure”?  The first thing that jumps to mind is it becomes more playful, still a challenge perhaps but more of a “we’re in it together” feeling than a confrontational feel.  Funny how changing just one word can completely shift what meaning we put on a difficult situation.What about when you are describing an acquaintance, friend or relative in your life where you are having a difficult time connecting with them.  Notice how you describe that person to others.  Do you use words like “she’s so difficult” or “he is stubborn” – what does that do for you?  I’m guessing that it doesn’t foster warm and fuzzy feelings for that person.  What shift could you make in your language to shift the way you think about someone.  What if instead of being “difficult” she was actually strong in her convictions or instead of him being “stubborn” he was passionate about his point of view?

Probably most interesting to me and what I work on with clients is the language they use when it comes to themselves.  What is your self-talk like?  Is it kind and compassionate or are you always putting yourself down?  When we start to pay attention to how we talk about ourselves to others and maybe more importantly, how we talk to ourselves in our heads it is so powerful.  Changing negative self-talk is a big first step to moving ahead to a more positive outlook.  Easier said than done you may think and I won’t argue there, however, I would definitely say that, with practice you can change your negative self-talk to positive.  How?  Step one is to simply notice. Yep, just notice what you are thinking in your head or how you describe yourself to others.  You may not notice until a day after you have thought or said something.  That’s okay.  When you first start consciously noticing you may not recognize things in the moment.  However, gradually you will find over time that the noticing gets to be in the moment and that’s when a shift can occur.

This also applies to how you describe your acquaintance, friend, relative, co-worker or team.  When you are in the moment, you now have a choice as to the language you are going to use to describe them or yourself.

Here’s my challenge for you.  Pick one situation from the examples I provided where you would like to change the relationship for the better.  Really pay attention to what words you are using to describe the person, team or yourself. Notice. Then start thinking of how you would like to feel about the person, team or yourself and start replacing the current word you use to describe them or yourself with a different, more positive word.  See if that changes anything for you…

Could you be more curious?

I was minding my own business just grocery shopping the other day when I ran into someone I worked with in my last corporate job and hadn’t seen for close to a year.  They asked me if I was on vacation and I told them that I pretty much do what I want to do.  Then they asked “are you retired” – ouch!  I said “No, I started my own business”.  You would think, or maybe it’s just me, but I thought they would say “Really! What are you up too?”  Nope, finished some small talk and walked away.

Rounded the corner with my shopping cart and ran into them again and I thought, okay, okay, now they are going to ask.  Nope.  I asked about where they went on their vacation, how work was, more small talk and we went our own ways again.  Boggling my mind now!

Now, I thought, I need to get curious!

When it comes to other human beings, I have always been curious. Always wanting to go to a deeper level and understand them better.  In my corporate life I know for a fact that my curiosity about others was an innate behaviour I had that I attribute to a lot of my success as a people leader and colleague.  I loved building relationships beyond the project or task at hand.  Taking the extra step to be curious about someone and learn something important to them created something magical, beyond the walls of the office.

In my training as a coach, I learned that my innate “skill” of curiosity was a requirement in order to serve my client. The ability to be curious about who or whatever was in front of me allowed my client to get curious about themselves or a particular situation

So why the word “curious”?  Why not “nosey”? Curiosity is playful.  A kitten is curious, a young child is curious.  We don’t very often associate curiosity with an adult.  This is where the power lies.  When you allow yourself to be curious about something, all of a sudden judgement goes out the window.  This opens up so many possibilities for the client.  In the corporate setting using “I’m curious here…” is not going to put someone on the defense, in fact, it can be disarming.

So back to my grocery store story.  I starting wondering, why don’t people get curious?  The first thing that jumped to mind was maybe they just don’t care, ok, fair enough.  Maybe they’re too self-absorbed, ok, want to talk more about themselves, we all know people like that!  Or maybe they’re just too busy.  Something that when asked, everyone apparently is.

So who cares anyway?

What are you missing out on by not being curious?  Believe it or not, a lot.  Your next relationship, a hot tip about a good restaurant or maybe even your next job!  By simply asking questions you can open up the opportunity to gain so much.

Curiosity is also a great way to build a connection with someone else, which is one of our fundamental human needs.

Curiosity can also do some prevention work.  It can prevent us from making assumptions about others and you know what assumptions can do!  At its most basic level, curiosity simply shows interest in another human being.  Let’s them feel noticed.

So next time you run into someone you haven’t seen in a while, what if you actually got curious about what they’re up to?  You may be surprised what this opens up for you!

Happy New Year!

Yep! You read that correctly, “Happy New Year”! I don’t know about you, but for me, September always brings a sense of renewal and fresh energy. This probably stems from when it was back to school time and as summer was drawing to a close, a new chapter was beginning. Although I haven’t been “back to school” in quite some time, I still look at September as a time to reflect on what has happened so far in the year and a chance to course correct if that is what needs to occur.

This has special meaning for me this year as September 1st marked one year in my own business and reflecting back on the year that has passed was very useful in deciding how I want to spend my energy for the next four months. It also helped me account for and realize just how much I have accomplished since January of this year. Taking a conscious pause to check in with yourself is something most of us do not routinely do however, it can be really useful. I realized that I have been doing a lot!! September for me this year actually means renewing by slowing down and pausing to reflect and let some of the work I have been doing get integrated. This can’t happen while chasing what’s next all the time. So for September 2016 I will be putting things in “slow motion”, savouring the last few weeks of summer and truly taking time to decide how I want my last few months of 2016 to be.

So what about you? If slowing down isn’t in your plans, just get curious about what is in your plans. Are you satisfied with how things are shaping up or are you ready to shift gears? If a “course correction” is required, what action are you going to take? You still have plenty of time to finish 2016 in a way that is meaningful for you.

So here is my challenge for you, will you take 15 minutes to reflect on how far you have come this year? No kidding, will you? Once you have done that, continue to write the ending that you want to have for 2016. If you keep doing what you’re doing, is the ending likely to happen? If not, take some time to think about what you need to do to finish up how you’d like. You may need to alter your plans to get there but know that you have a choice. Take things off autopilot and step into the driver’s seat – it’s your life!

What label are you wearing?

In the past year or so my acute sense of hearing has become almost overwhelming for me. Stay with me here for a second and I’ll get you on the same page as me, honest. I have become super sensitive to the language people choose to use about a situation, another person or especially, themselves. It is so interesting. Interesting and sometimes absolutely mind boggling.

“I’m stupid; fat, shy, negative, a bad person, a loser…”, the list goes on. I am not making these statements up, these are actual words that people have used to describe themselves to me in conversation. After my initial reaction, usually internal but sometimes quite visceral I start to wonder. Who decided that’s who you are? Who gave you that label and perhaps more importantly, what makes you choose to hang on to it?

When we start out on this planet, we are all perfect. Just ask any new parent. There are no flaws in a newborn. Doesn’t even have to be a human newborn. Think about it, what baby creature is not absolutely perfect and adorable? So what happens? How does that perfect life form end up identifying themselves as “stupid” , “a loser”, or whatever word they use? Sometimes it is due to a fleeting comment made by someone influential or important in their life and it just stuck with them. Sometimes it comes from years and years of being in an environment where this was a common belief that you were sold and bought into.

Sometimes the “labels” are completely harmless, yet a lot of times, there aren’t harmless and have become a deeply rooted belief that someone holds for themself. They are rate limiting in terms of moving forward because if you’re “shy”, how can you meet people or speak publicly? If you’re “stupid” how can you learn something new?

Sometimes, however, these labels can become a convenient excuse for not making change. Even when you are desperate to make it and know that it’s time. The label you choose to wear keeps you firmly stuck in a rut. You wear your label proudly, despite it being a lie. It becomes a rather convenient badge of honour to carry around. Almost like a shield. It protects you from stepping into something different because, well, that’s just who you are…didn’t you read the label?

There is good news, of course. You can remove a label or scribble over it and amend it. You can decide what label you want to wear. Designed by and for you, and guess what? You can have many different ones. Point being, carrying around a label that someone else has given to you is okay if you actually want it and believe it. However, if you realize that it is untrue, rip it off and make your own! You can choose how you want to be. Get curious.

When Visions of Sugarplums Fade

So, here we are on the cusp of a New Year.  The visions of sugarplums dancing in our heads are starting to fade and we are starting to look forward to what’s next.

Well?  What’s next?  This would seem to be the perfect time of year to ask this question as New Year’s resolutions are typically starting to be formed (for those of you who make them) around this time.

What do you want to be different? What do you want more/less of?  Or,  are you feeling stuck and unmotivated? Been there, done that, why even bother?  So much to think about.

I personally do not subscribe to the New Year’s resolution however I had the opportunity to listen to a meditation this morning and it made me think a bit.  It did not prompt me to figure out what I need to “do”.  It was more, what/who do I want to “be”?

For me it was grateful, to continue to be grateful for the simple things in life, the things that really matter.  Specifically my husband and children and the day to day challenges that come up. Grateful for the continuing opportunity to stretch my wings as a coach.  Truly feeling like I am making a difference by partnering with others to find what’s next for them.  I had no idea when I embarked on my journey close to two years ago that I would find so much fulfillment helping others discover theirs.  So, yes, if you want to call it a “resolution” my resolution is to continue to be grateful and look for more opportunities in my day to savour what is, right here, right now.

Wishing you all the very best as we embark on another fresh year.  A blank page to begin again, if that is what you need or another blank page to continue to build on what you have already created in this previous year.  Whatever it is, know that you have choices to make this year whatever you want it to be…you really do.

When Is It the “right” time?

Image Source: http://www.turismo.intoscana.it

As I continue on my journey as a coach, accountability partner, motivator, mindset changer…I am starting to notice some old patterns in myself re-surfacing.  Primarily, the crippling theme of “perfection” is starting to rear its ugly head.  I’ll do this when…you fill in the blank – I have my final designation, I have this many $$, the kids are grown up, the mortgage is paid, after this one project is done, when I’m not travelling as much etc… you get the picture.

All the input I provide to my clients does not seem to apply to me!  Funny isn’t it?  For some reason,we can share our wisdom, provide our guidance and gently push our clients in the direction they want to go yet, when it comes to ourselves we seem to be exempt.  We tell them not to worry about everything being 100% in place, just go play, be curious and have fun.  Make mistakes and learn.  Be awkward!

I remind myself that Michelangelo did not create his beloved David overnight.  He chipped away lovingly at it until David revealed himself.  Through tiny shifts and maybe the odd occasional chunk of marble falling off, the beauty, strength and potential within was revealed.  It was a labour of true love. If we wait until we are perfectly ready, then nothing will happen.

You can think about what you want, talk about what you want, dream about what you want but until you take action, it is just a thought.

My “David” is far from ready however, being a work in progress is pretty cool too.  It’s time to take action!

Is it time to hit the “reset” button?

So, it has been one month, 30 days, 1/12th of a year – however you want to put it. It has been a month of doing nothing. What? Okay, let’s re-frame that, it has been a month of receiving rather than a month of chasing. A month of saying I’m not putting anything out there and I am going to just “be”. A month of self-reflection and, gulp, meditation, daily meditation. Something completely foreign and new to me.

So why am I telling you this and what could this possibly have to do with you?

Hmmm- I want to share with you what is possible when instead of looking for “what’s next” you sit with “what is”. Oooh, I cannot tell you how difficult this was for me… initially.

“Doing” is kind of, well, what I “do” and I know I’m not alone here. We, yep, I’m dragging you into this now, We equate “doing” with accomplishment, success, justifying our existence. How many tick boxes can we check today? When someone asks the question “how’s it going?” if you don’t answer the question with an “ugh..I’m so busy”, then you’re just not doing enough. Sound familiar?

I decided I needed to let the world catch up with me. Here’s what happened. Emails started coming to my mailbox from people I had not heard from for months, people that are now “ready” to work with me. Dinner invitations to “catch up” surfaced. Phone calls to “chat” were in my voicemail. I secured several new clients and an opportunity that knocked my socks off. All while doing NOTHING.

Now before you start saying…”easy for you to do, you work for yourself”. Think about it, I am an entrepreneur, my work means I have to be “out there”, constantly building my business. I am not suggesting that you take a month and ignore your work. What if you took the weekend? What if you took a couple of evenings? What could that open up for you? My point being, that if we are too busy continually chasing what’s next, we do not give the world a chance to catch up with us. Maybe not the “world”, perhaps your spouse, children, family, friends. You send out a message that you are available to receive some good stuff.

I don’t know about you, but I like receiving good stuff. So what will this change for me moving forward? I am consciously deciding that every couple of months, I am going to take a week to integrate, slow down and hit “reset”. What will you do?